How To Stop Worrying

It's a quarter to 5 a.m., and I am sneaking out to the balcony to wolf down a glazed doughnut that I've been stashing under the mattress. Junk food is one of the biggest hampers of self-actualization, our life coach says. But after three days at a holistic self-discovery retreat at an eco-resort I can't even look at another kale smoothie, let alone drink one. This is clearly not what I signed up for. All I wanted was to get my career back on track after quitting another dull office job. I didn't want to draw matrices and chant affirmations. I had zero interest in compiling image boards and keeping a diary. Most of all, I didn't care for group meditations at sunrise and mandatory juice cleanses. It's all Natalka's fault. “You need to increase your personal effectiveness,” she said. “Improve your focus. Boost your self-awareness. Devise a strategy.” As if we couldn't just get hammered at a nightclub as we always do. At this retreat, we're supposed to reconnect with ourselves by pondering existential questions while getting closer to nature. So yesterday, we're foraging for berries and edible roots in the woods and all I was pondering was what the hell am I doing there and how the hell do I get out? I'll say this much about this self-improvement program: it did wonders for my motivation. I am broke, because the program cost an arm and a leg. I am exhausted, because – hello, daily workouts, really? But I am ready to get a job, any job, this very second so as not to go through another life-coaching exercise again.